I’m not well. I’m really not well.
And I can’t really pinpoint why not. Maybe I’m just exhausted, maybe it’s stress and the many things I worry about, maybe it’s deeper than that and I need help. I don’t know.
But the result is that I’m laying in my bed on a Saturday night, crying my eyes out because I didn’t go to a party with colleagues. And I don’t know if I really didn’t want to go because I was too tired, or because my anxieties got the better of me, whispering in my ear that I’m stupid and too boring to be at a party. At this moment, there are so many emotions at play I can’t tell anymore.
I thought I was doing better. I crashed about too months ago, because I was extremely stressed but suppressing it until it burst and came out all at once. At that moment I was afraid I was heading for a burn-out, so tried (emphasis on tried) to slow down. It didn’t really, but after a few major stress factors were gone I felt better and therefore thought I was doing better. Now, I’m not so sure.
I know I’m too busy and I don’t give myself enough rest (and damn, is it hard to get off that wagon!) but could that really be all? My life is in turmoil at the moment, no idea where it’s heading and what I can be certain of.
- W – yes, I’m pretty sure I love him, but enough to give everything up for? How do I know??
- My family & friends – I may have to leave them to be with W.
- My job – same there, might have to leave.
- My house – could be taken away at any moment, unless it collapses on my head before that.
- My home – no idea where that’ll be in a year’s time.
- Myself – hmmm yeah. No.
I don’t know what to do. I really don’t. And it doesn’t help that I think everybody hates me because I never join anymore… 😔 I want to connect to them. Really, I do. But I just can’t seem to give the energy for it at the moment. While at the same time, I want and need to so bad 😢
My relationship with W…I love him, but what is the cost of it for me? And is it something that is unavoidably a part of it? Or is it me putting more pressure on it when that’s really unnecessary?
I wish I knew.
charmedsue 