Well, today I had a meltdown about everything. Oof. Had a conversation with a lovely, dear friend who seemingly has it all even though she is a lot younger than me – a lot of my friends are, ugh – and I had a meltdown over the trainwreck that is my life. I’m 38, living with my father, engaged to someone across an ocean who also lives in his parents’ house, with no option to buy or rent. Along with this I was reminded of how much my brain resists all the VA stuff (trying to figure out why it’s so triggering for my anxiety – my leading theory it’s my perfectionism turning into fear of failure that hates leaving the comfortable spot I’m in where I’m never really challenged outside my comfort zone) and that nothing is ever going to get better, and I broke down. I took the rest of the day off and went on a drive with my dad and baked. Which was nice! But it doesn’t solve my issue.
And I know the following:
- I’m far from the only one. Both in terms of not being able to buy a house, of being in a LDR nor of feeling beaten down. It’s not just me or my fault.
- It’s not all bad. At least I have someone who loves me, even if it is from afar, I am financially secure in a pandemic and I have a secure roof over my head. And I live in one of the wealthiest countries in the world with more than enough food around.
- Most importantly: Freaking out about any of it doesn’t help. It just reinforces the panic and worry and paralyses me completely. I was so upset I didn’t get anything done today anymore. My anxiety won. It got exactly what it wanted.
Why do we put so much pressure on ourselves? Why? The VA study I’m doing should be fun. It’s not something I have to do, it’s something I’m choosing to do. I really need to chill out about it. The more pressure I put on it, the more my anxiety will fight it.
I put so much pressure on myself to be a good person, to exercise, to eat right, to take care of people, to support good and important causes, to work, to read, to be creative, to be everything.
I think I’ll go do Covey’s important/urgent squares. I think that would be useful.
charmedsue 